If you do, this is completely
normal! Per definition is the act of going into therapy an acknowledgement that
something in your life is not really going the right way anymore and that you
need some ‘adjustment’. Now this necessary ‘adjustment’
is in itself a border, a difference between the preferred future way of living
and your old way. And this desired ‘adjustment’ has to be done on
subconscious matters. And as subconscious matters are per definition subconscious,
they are unknown (yet) to your ego consciousness.
You know, our subconscious mind
has a very complex, important life on it's own. AND it can think, feel, react
on itself, this even far better than our conscious ego mind! And here lies a
problem. The behaviour for which you go into therapy was till this very day
in some way ‘necessary'. It
served a goal, how illogical this can seem. There is an important emotional
drive behind it that isn't easily abandoned, especially when we talk about difficulties
that linger on for a big part of a lifetime.
And once your subconscious mind discovers
that there is the intention to do some changes in its ‘inner household’
(usually after a few sessions), this larger part of our mind will find clever
ways to prevent this ‘influence’, to block it, to ‘escape’
from the meddling in its territories. Not by openly opposing it but more through
‘sneaky’ tactics. It manipulates with induced feelings of doubt,
guilt, uneasiness, boredom… based on even deeper inner (magic) negative
belief systems.
Your subconscious mind may play some tricks ! Keep the door
open.
Just by inflicting a serious doubt (a
feeling) to your conscious thinking, it will sway you away from these intended
changes into its field. And this is called the resistance. This resistance is
a build-in part of every therapy, no matter what method you follow.
Does this means that you have always to
oppose those inner feelings of doubt etc... and stick to your therapist, even
if he/she can’t seemingly help you any further? No matter if he is really
skilled or not to get to a solution? NO
!
But you should do at least one
last session to discuss your doubt openly with him or her. In your
opening up this very resistance lies probably also hidden some insight about
the structure of your trauma(s). Even if you are really going to stop the
therapy with this therapist, this resistance contains very valuable information.
This info is important and can be used with another therapist to work on further.
And if you decide to stay with the first
one, this opening up can be the onset of a new and fruitful therapeutic process.
Now, a transformation can be realized and this very attitude of sharing your
doubts and resistance's with the therapist will form a basic layer of thrust
in him, in his skill but most of all in your own self healing capacities.
The opening to communicate with the therapist is really a metaphor for the
inner communication with the subconscious traumas and unknown patterns deep
inside you. This insight will generate self healing capacities, the cornerstone
of the real therapy. Eventually, there are no therapists that heal their clients.
They only serve as guidance, form an aid into allowing your wounded self into
healing and integrating the old wounds and traumas through the technique or
method they follow in one place but most of all by their compassion and the
support they give.
If you don’t share these negative
feelings of doubt etc… and you decide to just stay away, you lose twice.
First the money that you gave out before in the sessions you had already (‘without
result’) and second because your inner belief systems gets confirmed into
the negative magic belief that your problem can’t get an easy solution.
So, the next therapy you undertake will gain even less effectiveness. And so
on…
How the resistance
usually takes its place?
When feeling resistance to go again
to another session; the main ‘trick’ that people use in 70% of the
cases is delaying that appointment one time for an obvious and ‘appropriate’
reason (now they can gain some time!). They make another appointment, preferably
as far ahead as possible! To this session, they just stay away in the worst
case. Or they call to announce that they are 'sick' and will call again when
'being better'. Or they prefer the tactic to play on a ‘very busy period
right now’, delaying this next appointment a second time with a lot of
reasons and apologies and again, just staying away. Or they say that ‘they
will call again when the busy period is over’ which is a little more
polite but still with the same effect. ‘A new work schedule, not yet
known’ is also popular…. If you recognize one or more of the
above, consider it again and decide what you are going to do with it.
How to communicate
properly ?
Go to the next (and probably your last)
appointment and admit your mistrust, disbelief, doubt, resistance, lack of money
or whatsoever to the therapist, in what will than become ‘the last session’.
You can get two reactions: he/she will do a lot of effort to keep you as client
or he/she will genuinely be interested in the reasons why you want to stay away.
‘How you see it, what is your pain, why you doubts and have bad feelings…’
will be the main theme. As he/she is really interested in you getting some fruitful
results out of the therapy, the conclusion will obviously be (a):
to find the reason behind these examined problems and the therapy will get a
nice boost in the right direction, and off you go again, or (b): to
advise you another therapist (better suited to you personally = you gain self-confidence).
So, in both cases, you gain a lot.
If the only purpose is to keep you in
therapy, your doubt will linger on continuously. You will feel uncertain, unclear,
troubled etc… If those feelings last for more than a few weeks: stop again
in mutual communication. This will strengthen your self-esteem and the next
therapy you engage in will have a far better chance to be successful. So, you
gain again. However, if you observe a continuous feeling of losing instead of
a win-win situation for both, the method of therapy or the therapist is not
suited for you. Period.
Your therapist only loses some money and
time by the missed appointment. You will lose self-confidence, which is an expensive
and rare commodity. Open it up. Play straight and you get straight results.
Play tricks and you hurt yourself for the most.
I hope this text is of any
fruitful use for you.
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